Week 3 v. Neutering Knights/Superfriends

Cavorting with the enemy.

Referees Extraordinaire: Fagan and Noonan

Behold the formidable line up, from left: Woodman, Holt, Davis, Kelley, Fagan, Noonan

The "tapback" kings and queens.

Kelley, Fagan, and Davis prepare for battle

Don't Mess With The Noonan

Fagan: just like a ballerina

Final score: 2-10

Week 2 v. Cannonballs/Rehabs

It was just before 9 pm on a frigid Thursday night when five of That's What She Said's players huddled together with anxious expressions. They faced a fate worse than any they'd ever known - DISQUALIFICATION (at least 6 players must be present to engage in competition). Fortunately, they narrowly escaped such wretched doom as Schiebler sauntered in just seconds before the first, game-starting cry of "dodgeball!" Callously, she seemed unaware as to the calamity of the situation and laughed off her tardiness.

With only 6 players donning Maroon shirts, allowing for no substitutes, I wondered if Captain Irvine had a particular strategic plan in effect. Revealing insight unique to a true professional Baller, he astutely observed: "The plan is to just stay in longer, to not get out."

Newly-minted teammate, Alexis Davis, apparently learned a thing or to from her stint on the Orange team (famed for the formidable, sleeveless competitor, "The Raptor") last spring, as she held her own on more than one occasion, surviving, solo, an alliterative barrage of black balls.

Even from the sidelines, Fagan's true team spirit and strategic acumen shined through a hacking, feverish fit of post-flu epidemia as she took viral dodgefare to new heights, getting JUST close enough to the midline to launch some stinging "wet ones" at the small, blue-shorted opponent.

Narrowly escaping the former softball player's hefty, mid-thigh pitch, Captain Irvine wins the "Dodge of the Evening" award. As the black pellet soared across the court, his gymnast-like instincts thrusted his knees into a buckle and curved his spine into a backward flip, sliding his upturned body to safety against the emergency-exit glass double doors.

I've been told that in another life (before she learned what real athletic activity is), Dube trained as a triathlete. Although doing little in the way of calorie-burning, this training did prepare her for some seriously supportive cheerleading. I didn't personally witness the following account, but close sources tell me her attempts to start the wave were apparently thwarted by an utter lack of audience enthusiasm (or perhaps attendance, the details escape me), yet even in the face of such adversity, her good humor remained throughout the evening.

Although Dube's pompoms and miniskirt could inspire any dodgeballer to just...throw...one...more... it was Woodman's sidelines coaching that really seemed to make a difference, "Catch one!" he yelled repeatedly, "Catch one!" Brilliant advice.

That's What She Said's 6 players continued the team's winning streak of last week, final score: 3-9 (W-L).

Editor's Note: We apologize for the lack of photographic evidence, apparently the players were actually playing and did not have time to submit action shots. Will dispatch a photographer next week.

Week 1 v. Schweaty von Awesome Balls/Chuck Norris Fan Club

After a season hiatus, the VIA dodgeball team is back with a vengeance. With the fierce leadership of team captain, Michael Irvine (pronounced er-vin), they’ve unveiled a snappy new uniform – burgundy shirts with black shorts and mismatched knee socks – and are now competing under the name, “That’s What She Said.” Stretching almost in unison prior to the evening’s competition, the team looked blood thirsty, ready to greet Chuck Norris with a roundhouse kick to the face and poised to flatten Schweaty’s Balls with a rolling pin of aggression in the highly competitive, Thursday night Casco Bay Sports’ Dodgeball league.

From Left: Schiebler, Kallechey, Dube, Kelley, Fagan, and Noonan sneer at the competition

Team members Kelley and Kallechey showed extreme poise at the start of each round, lithely sprinting to center court to overtake their opponents’ ball retrieval efforts (affectionately known as the “tap back” in official team lingo). The dodge of the evening goes to Woodman, whose agility on court has improved immensely thanks to his off-season ballet and square dancing classes. Scampering from a sizzling launch with a one-two step, hop about, knee swivel, his ultimate recumbent position proved triumphant. Despite his admirable efforts, a wayward catch slipped out of his right hand moments later, knocking him back to the sidelines. Hanging on to the final moments of a few games, Captain Irvine defended his team’s honor solo on more than one occasion, each time proving to be a solid competitor against a sea of unabashed pelting. Rounding out the female contingent, Schiebler, Dube, and Noonan added virility and cheer to Fagan’s basketball-honed palming and dunking skills.

The dodging ended promptly at 7 pm, as the next time slot’s players trickled into Breakwater Elementary Stadium. Irvine spoke on behalf of his teammates, “Our 5 am practices are really helping with balance and coordination, but our real power comes from our nutritional program centered around the regular intake of organic, conflict-free natural yeast and fermented barley.” Then, as if the team hadn’t missed a beat, it was off to “The Great Lost Bear” where players exchanged war stories and battle scars over celebratory pints and post-game chili.

2.50 a pint? Yes.
From Left: Captain Irvine, Kelley, Noonan, Fagan, Kallechey, Schiebler, Dube

Until next week, this is your independent, third-party, completely unbiased correspondent and “That’s What She Said.”