Week 1 v. Schweaty von Awesome Balls/Chuck Norris Fan Club

After a season hiatus, the VIA dodgeball team is back with a vengeance. With the fierce leadership of team captain, Michael Irvine (pronounced er-vin), they’ve unveiled a snappy new uniform – burgundy shirts with black shorts and mismatched knee socks – and are now competing under the name, “That’s What She Said.” Stretching almost in unison prior to the evening’s competition, the team looked blood thirsty, ready to greet Chuck Norris with a roundhouse kick to the face and poised to flatten Schweaty’s Balls with a rolling pin of aggression in the highly competitive, Thursday night Casco Bay Sports’ Dodgeball league.

From Left: Schiebler, Kallechey, Dube, Kelley, Fagan, and Noonan sneer at the competition

Team members Kelley and Kallechey showed extreme poise at the start of each round, lithely sprinting to center court to overtake their opponents’ ball retrieval efforts (affectionately known as the “tap back” in official team lingo). The dodge of the evening goes to Woodman, whose agility on court has improved immensely thanks to his off-season ballet and square dancing classes. Scampering from a sizzling launch with a one-two step, hop about, knee swivel, his ultimate recumbent position proved triumphant. Despite his admirable efforts, a wayward catch slipped out of his right hand moments later, knocking him back to the sidelines. Hanging on to the final moments of a few games, Captain Irvine defended his team’s honor solo on more than one occasion, each time proving to be a solid competitor against a sea of unabashed pelting. Rounding out the female contingent, Schiebler, Dube, and Noonan added virility and cheer to Fagan’s basketball-honed palming and dunking skills.

The dodging ended promptly at 7 pm, as the next time slot’s players trickled into Breakwater Elementary Stadium. Irvine spoke on behalf of his teammates, “Our 5 am practices are really helping with balance and coordination, but our real power comes from our nutritional program centered around the regular intake of organic, conflict-free natural yeast and fermented barley.” Then, as if the team hadn’t missed a beat, it was off to “The Great Lost Bear” where players exchanged war stories and battle scars over celebratory pints and post-game chili.

2.50 a pint? Yes.
From Left: Captain Irvine, Kelley, Noonan, Fagan, Kallechey, Schiebler, Dube

Until next week, this is your independent, third-party, completely unbiased correspondent and “That’s What She Said.”